Do you want to experience more pleasure instead of frustration? Today we’re talking about relationship sex and how relationship sex can – once again – bring joy to life. First of all: human sexuality is a very complex and multi-layered phenomenon. There are no quick fixes. Nevertheless, there are a few things we can do proactively to make the most beautiful secondary thing in the world more fulfilling.
Sex is not EPO
That means: erection, penetration, orgasm – for him. One of my favourite definitions of sexuality is that sexuality is a basic need for a special, intimate and intense form of contact and touch.
If we look at sexuality in this way, we quickly realise that we cannot easily exclude this form of contact from our relationship without us and/or our partner suffering as a result. Touch is not an option that can be ruled out. Touch is essential for our physical and mental health.
In this article, I will address a few key aspects that play a central role. It will give you some initial ideas to enrich your intimate life. So, stay until the end! It’s clear that every person – and every relationship – needs individual suggestions, but you’ll find some things in this article that may help you a little.
Boredom in bed
Many couples find themselves in a crisis when, after the initial, exhilarating sex, boredom in bed spreads. This is a normal phenomenon that affects us all. The fact that desire wanes is a natural development that we can’t really control completely. Nevertheless, we can influence it positively or less positively.
However, as David Schnarch, the internationally renowned couples and sex therapist, has shown us: The person who has less desire has the power! Whether they want to or not. Whether they realise it or not.
Why is that the case? In a monogamous relationship, the resource ‘sex’ is either granted or denied by the person who is less interested in it. The other person automatically becomes the supplicant. The relationship polarises, the roles become increasingly fixed: one person demands, the other withdraws. At some point, resignation sets in. Both have withdrawn. Conflicts, infidelity and perhaps even separation can be the consequence of such a negative development.
Relationship sex is not infatuation sex
However, I would like to start by speaking plainly. Relationship sex is not infatuation sex … and neither is affair sex. This means that no matter how we twist it back and forth, we won’t be able to reproduce it 100%.
Sexuality changes in a long-term relationship, just as we change. The same thing happens to our partners. Sometimes sex doesn’t happen at all. Then there is only frustration and discussions. Accusations and avoidance behaviour spread.
Nevertheless, the desire for this intensity, for physical exchange, tenderness and pleasure is still there. We remember those first times dreamily and with great longing. We want to have it again. In order for lust to remain alive in the relationship, we need a completely different attitude towards it, as we will see later.
Disillusionment
Apart from the fact that those first times weren’t always as brilliant as we initially remember either. In this hormone rush that we call infatuation, we romanticise these times and often overestimate our sex life at the time. We are in love and want to be with this person. Our brain focusses on all the positive aspects that are important for initiating a relationship and blocks out what is not so beneficial: we don’t climax, it doesn’t matter. We have pain during sex, we don’t say that. We prefer other practices, positions, role play, etc. We adapt. We build a common denominator. Early or late, we wake up from this trance and all the issues come up as well.
Illusory ideals
There is also an illusory expectation. We want too much. Everything with One For Always. This is a complete overload. The other person should fulfil our needs, be the best partner, the best lover, father/mother of our children, best friend, therapist. They should share our interests, preferences, values and visions for the rest of our lives. This can only lead to disappointment, which often ends up in the bedroom and is dealt with there.
Sexuality is a lifelong learning process
A learning process based on a natural physiological function that is triggered by the so-called innate and involuntary arousal reflex. Almost everything else is learnt. From the first day of life (and even in the womb), we develop our sexual potential step by step through very different learning steps that involve the body as well as the psyche and our relationship skills.
- From a physical point of view, we learn – more or less optimally – to deal with the innate and involuntary arousal reflex and with the body’s so-called resources in sexuality: movement, breathing, rhythm and tone,
- Psychologically, by exploring and getting to know our desires, needs and boundaries, developing our preferences and fantasies and much more.
- On a relational level, we learn to be intimate with a counterpart, acquire erotic know-how and develop communication and seduction skills.
In the following lines, I will describe various factors that play a central role in shaping our sexuality and which it makes sense to address if you want to realise more of your own potential.
Closeness vs. distance
This aspect that I’m about to talk about is quite complex and actually varies greatly from person to person and from couple to couple. We humans move between two opposing basic needs throughout our lives:
- On the one hand, the need for merging, bonding, familiarity, security and mutual dependence.
- On the other hand, the need for individuality, autonomy, adventure, independence, freedom and self-determination.
We move between these two poles. The secret of a good relationship – and correspondingly a lively sexuality in a relationship – is a kind of magical balancing act between these two needs.
If we merge too symbiotically, we lose our attractiveness over time. We have become too equal and too dependent on each other. If we become too distant, autonomous and independent, we may lack the necessary closeness to engage with each other intimately. Love seeks closeness, but desire needs distance (quoting Esther Perel!). Not a bad thing in itself if you don’t miss this passionate intensity and prefer a somewhat sober and gentle passion. And some couples manage this transition and are happy with it.
But we are not all the same. Other couples want something different.
WHAT TO DO?
Question yourself: How do I deal with these two needs? What exactly do I need? How much space do I need to feel free? How much closeness do I need to feel safe? How does my partner feel about this? How can we find a good dynamic way of dealing with this?
Your own story
Whether we believe it or not, our early experiences as a child shape us for life. Depending on how well or less well the basic needs of the child were satisfied, this is reflected in our ability to have happy relationships and a relaxed sexuality. Our own history also plays a significant role in the development of sexual problems in adult life.
Excessive, critical self-focussing can also lead to problems. Not feeling comfortable in our own skin, not feeling sexy, hinders our willingness to approach others and become intimate with our partner.
Stress also plays a role when it comes to sexual listlessness. Stress is a lust killer. When our nervous system experiences ‘danger’ and excessive demands, it reacts with stress. In this state, our nervous system is programmed for protection – and not for pleasure. In this state, we are not open to the pleasure of intimacy.
WHAT TO DO?
Question yourself: Which unresolved conflicts from my life are with me without having been sufficiently processed? What can I do to make them less stressful? How can I avoid unloading my own pain onto my partner? How can I take more responsibility for it?
Why sex?
Studies have shown that people have 237 different reasons why they want to have sex. What about you? What physical, mental and emotional needs does sex fulfil for you, what motivations do you have for it? In other words: What do you get out of it? And what do you think your partner’s motives are?
When I ask couples this question and realise that they both have very different expectations, it becomes clearer why they are struggling. For example, a classic:
One person is looking for sex to relieve pressure after a stressful day and for physical satisfaction in the form of strong arousal and release. Foreplay is not so important, nor is caressing. Orgasm is often the main goal in order to be able to enjoy the relaxation afterwards.
The other person is looking for emotional closeness and confirmation of their own attractiveness and wants to satisfy their partner. The different needs can also be fulfilled through the same act. However, sometimes it doesn’t work because the way you have sex together is more or less suitable for satisfying the different needs.
Those who experience sex mainly as a pressure release will probably be goal orientated and looking for arousal and a quick release. Those who want to experience sex as emotional closeness probably need a slower, more personal approach, less goal-orientated acts with more intense moments of emotional connection.
WHAT TO DO?
It can be helpful to question yourself – and your partner: What are my motives, what are the other person’s motives? Listen to what your partner is saying in a non-judgemental, loving conversation. In doing so, try to put yourself in the other person’s shoes and try to see the positive in the other person’s perspective. Remember that almost all reasons for having sex correspond to human needs that are satisfied and are not bad per se. It’s about finding a harmonious way of dealing with each other.
Pressure mode vs. feel-good mode
As briefly mentioned at the beginning, sexuality consists of various learning steps in which we learn both physically and mentally to develop our sexual potential. If we use the body’s resources – BART – to a limited extent, we develop what is known in sexology as pressure mode: Sex is very mechanical, the body very tense, the movements rather rigid and goal-orientated, the touches ungentle. This mode is very efficient in auto-eroticism, but over time it is highly susceptible to disruption and very incompatible with partners. This mode correlates with various dysfunctions, such as pain during sex, potency disorders, orgasm problems and lack of desire. In my counselling sessions, I repeatedly find that this mode is a common reason for avoiding sexual intimacy in a relationship.
WHAT TO DO?
In this case, too, I recommend observing yourself: How do I treat my body during sex? What is my body tension like? How does my body move? Are my pelvis, chest and neck firm or flexible? How and where do I touch myself? How is my breath? Am I holding it tightly? Is it flowing or shallow? It makes sense to go on an exploratory journey, to discover new movements, new touches, even if they are not super arousing at first. This allows us to rewire our brain and over time we expand our mode.
The erotic home base
This is a kind of sexual space in which we humans like to be, show and express ourselves sexually. There are different erotic spaces, each with different characteristics. Some people can move from room to room and feel at home everywhere. Others stick to their own space because they feel less comfortable in other spaces. These preferences cannot be changed by will. Not even out of love.
If you don’t know about it, misunderstandings and mutual accusations can often arise because the other person doesn’t understand us or vice versa. Let’s take an example:
- There are people who feel good when all their senses are stimulated. When they are in an aesthetically pleasing, fragrant room with soft lighting and pleasant music. They like sensual touches all over their bodies, caressing each other, dancing together, looking into each other’s eyes. Their sexual intimacy consists of long stroking sessions. There is no goal that has to be achieved.
- On the other hand, there are people for whom things can’t happen fast enough, preferably right in the stairwell or in the kitchen, regardless of what the room looks like, whether they have prepared for it or not, whether the bed has been freshly made or not. For them, one thing is clear: good sex is direct and leads to the goal, to orgasm.
Both rooms have the same right to exist. We can find something beautiful in both rooms. But if we don’t know that these different spaces exist, we will probably reproach our partner. We will try to change him*her and eventually distance ourselves.
WHAT TO DO?
In this case, too, it is important to observe yourself: How am I polarised? What is my favourite space to be in? What do I like about it? What is my partner’s favourite space? Remain non-judgemental and benevolent… What is good about their space? It’s important not to close yourself off completely, but to remain curious. Invite the other person into your own space and allow yourself to be invited in. Go for a visit, try things out. Not just once.
Sensual touch skills
Sex is not just sex, sex is not just EPO. And touch is not just touch. People in my practice often complain that they miss pleasant, sensual, mindful touch in their intimacy, that sex and touch are mechanical and purposeful, and often not pleasant enough. Qualitative touch is essential. I have been teaching the art of mindful sensual touch in my self-awareness groups for twenty years. It always saddens me to realise how many people have not learned to touch. I am not surprised when couples distance themselves in the long term because this special quality is missing in their relationship.
Mindful sensual touch (aka Tantra massage) has various healing effects on our sexuality:
- It has a positive influence on sexual dysfunctions and alleviates them,
- It can trigger more intense arousal and feelings of pleasure,
- It can loosen up polarised roles in the relationship
- It has a positive influence on how you feel about your own body
- It can show feelings of love, closeness and security non-verbally,
- It helps to deal better with traumatic experiences* and much more
WHAT TO DO?
The good news is that we can learn sensual, mindful touch. We can also learn to enter into intimate contact with each other in a state of open-ended intention.
Conclusion
To summarise, I would simply emphasise the following three points:
- RELATIONSHIP SEX IS A CHOICE. The decision to be a sexual being. The decision to prioritise sex. This means that we should consciously think about how we want to deal with it in the relationship. Not waiting, letting time pass in the hope that it will work itself out. Because that’s not going to happen. Sexuality – as a special, intense form of intimate emotional and physical contact – is a basic need that cannot simply be arbitrarily excluded from a monogamous relationship without paying the bill early or late: emotional distance, conflict, infidelity, separation.
- THE MAGIC FORMULA: 70/30 What exactly does this formula mean? It describes the extent to which each person should involve themselves to ensure that their sex life goes well: At least 70% of the responsibility for your own well-being in bed lies with yourself. The other person can only contribute a maximum of 30%, but can never bear the main responsibility for us having pleasure or climaxing, for example.
- THE THREE-MINUTE RULE. This simple rule describes how important it is that sex together, which can be understood as non-verbal communication, does not become a monologue but remains a dialogue: One person says something for three – flexible – minutes, the next three minutes it’s the other person’s turn to continue the ‘conversation’, and so on. And mind you: it’s not a case of, well, I’ll let him (or her) carry on, let’s see what happens. Both are asked to actively shape the conversation.
* Disclaimer: Please note that sensual mindful touch is not always the best way to deal with traumatic experiences.
If you would like to read more about this, check out the blog page for other topics that might interest you.
If you would like to learn sensual mindful touch, check out the self-development page for workshops that might be suitable for you.
